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Cowboy Boots and Armpit – Time for some kink!

September 12, 2014

Ess here.  Always here…  Am I the only one here?  Hello?

Okay, let’s talk fetishes.  Let’s talk kink.  Apparently I am a magnet for anything and everything sexual.  Hey, I don’t know you AT ALL, but of course, tell me about your deepest, darkest fantasies, and what you want to do to me.  I am completely open to that, as evidenced by my having an online dating profile.

I am open to many things.  I want to do many things.  However, I want to do them when I am 1) attracted to someone, and 2) actually know a little something about that person.  Men, chime in here – are women really giving you such encouragement, that you’ll write whatever the f**k you want at all times, just to see if it lands?  Ay ay ay.  This new dating world gives me the creeps.  And a headache. 

Example time!!  Wooohooooooo!

I went on one date with this guy, and it was nice.  He was nice.  Whatever.  No real attraction though, and never any indication I wanted anything sexual.  Normally I’m super flirty by nature, but I was reeling it in this time.  Next day, I get this:


Wait, what?  How did you come to this conclusion?  Because I ate dinner in front of you??  So I stole from Secret Diary of a Call Girl (Thanks for the suggestion, J), and sent him this:


Does anyone get my sarcasm?  Please tell me you did, dear reader.


For the love of….I can’t even…let’s finish this:


Ahhh, phew.  He’s not heartbroken over my lack of sexual foodie excitement.  I mean, maybe I would be, IF I KNEW YOU!!  Good lawd…

That was my evening. 

This was my morning (preface: my profile picture features my lovely armpit).  Also, enjoy the cute monsters…:


What is up with men unable to read my sarcasm??!!! I mean, who accepts a compliment on their armpit with such confidence?  The apocalypse is nigh.  Armpit continues:


Damn.  First off, I’m ticklish as hell.  Second, I sweat like a motherf**ker.  Third, who wants a mouth full of deodorant?  Whole new world, people. 

He wrote more….so much more…I now know this complete stranger (WTF is his name?) had the best orgasm of his life when being tickled while masturbating.  Thank you, Armpit, thank you for….something. 

Oh boy.  At least life is interesting, you know? 

Love, Ess.

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